The past and the present

As I lay in my old room in a house that I once spent almost 6 months living in, my mind races once again about things that have happened and things that are yet to happen. Familiar places bring back memories and I’m taken back to this time last year where I was nearing the end of my studies. Coming to the end of one of the most productive years I’ve had. The year in which I up and moved 5 hours away from my family and familiar surroundings. The year my health finally allowed me to do more than just shower before sending me to bed in exhaustion. No more leaving the house for a day and spending the following three days in bed recovering. It was the year I was busy, learning and just being able to live.

Fast forward to now, I’ve spent the past year searching yet failing to find work. I’ve moved back to my family leaving the city and area I grew to love behind. A year of learning I don’t have enough experience to enter into jobs which I guess is a side effect of actually being unable to work for years. It was a year of hoping that things would improve, seeing glimpses of something great but just missing the chance to grab hold of it. A year filled with a little bit of fear that things could suddenly go back to how they were when my health declined. Where once again I’d be confined to my bed after having coffee with a friend.

So here I am, laying in the same room that once slept my productive past self. Just a couple of days ago I was driving up to the nearby city to attend a job interview. Once again the glimmer of hope that things could be improving. The hope that even if this one doesn’t happen, that it is still progress in the right direction. With the hope that once I do enter into work that my health will allow me to continue. Laying here with hope that the past and current struggles will be worth it when things finally work out.

Love, Me

 

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Am I enough?

Anxiety, overthinking and feelings of worthlessness are things I deal with on an almost daily basis. My mind often plays havoc with my feelings and I find myself sinking further into a hole I struggle to get out of. Distraction works to a point but then I just have to wait it out or try to convince myself that the thoughts in my head aren’t always correct.

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A part of this anxiety surrounds friendships and other relationships with people. I have never had a big social circle and making connections with people has always been something I’ve struggled with. When I do make close connections with people I truly cherish them and want them to be in my life long term. It’s not always the case though. I am used to close friends just suddenly stop talking to me. To go from being what I always thought was close to one day they just ignore me. While some people aren’t meant to stay in your life permanently, it’s always hard when something suddenly stops.

For a while now I have been struggling with the thoughts that I’m not important to people. That they only talk to me out of expectation or because it’s an easy way to pass time. I’m left feeling that maybe I can’t talk to them about stuff that I may once have been able to do or I’m just not enough and they’re getting sick of me. It feels like I can see people slowly drift away and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s a few people in my life that I desperately want around for a long time and I do hope they don’t get sick of me. People and social interaction scares me and while I know I need people in my life I sometimes wish I didn’t need it when my mind decides to act like this.

Love, Me 

Escape

Needing or wanting to find an escape from things is something most if not all people go through. The desire to have something in which they can do or a place they can go to escape from what’s happening in their life at that moment. It may be a hobby, or actually changing the scenery around them and going on holiday.

The desire to escape has been something I’ve been feeling more and more the past few days. The need to escape from life for a while and all the stuff going on in my head. Sometimes video games is enough. They provide a distraction and a place where you can just live in a different world for a while. Lately though it’s not quite enough. I still enjoy the comfort of my room but I sometimes want to escape to where it’s a change of scenery. Where just for a while life is different and not in the same daily routine. Where I can just go about my day without the expectations of everyone around me hanging over my head. I feel trapped and stuck in life and while going away for a few days to some place different wont change that, it’ll at least give my mind a break. Well, I hope.

Until I can actually do that though, I think a quiet spot on the beach to just sit and watch the waves may be my next best option. My favourite forest is a bit far away and I think the sound of the waves would be pretty relaxing.

What do you do when you feel the need to escape? Do you have ways of working through it?

Love, Me

Northland Adventures

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About a month ago I had the opportunity to visit the Northland area of New Zealand with my family. It was the first time I’d been up past Auckland and I enjoyed being able to see new places. We had planned to go up the west coast and then come back down the east, but a detour to visit the Kauri museum took us halfway across the island so we changed our plans and carried on that road and headed up on the east side.

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Cape Reinga was one place we went to which is the very top of New Zealand. It’s where you can see the light house and the area where the two seas meet. The lighthouse was a lot smaller than I was expecting but the views were amazing.

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We also stopped off in a few of the bays and mum was interested in seeing some of the more historical spots that were around.

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There was a lot of travelling which I eventually found quite exhausting but overall it was nice to visit an area I hadn’t been to before.

Have you visited any new places recently? Or done any spontaneous trips?

Love, Me

The Stranger Returns

Continuing With Me

It has been far too long since I wrote here last and I’m not happy about that. Life has been happening and other things have taken priority for a while. I am back (hopefully to stay) and figured a good start would be an update on whats been happening in the last few months.

In my last post I wrote about stepping out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I ended up going to the meet and greet mentioned and met a bunch of new people who have since become good friends of mine. A good few months were focused on building up a friendship. I have visited different ones a few times since despite living at least four hours away from me.  I now also help to run the group and it’s been nice seeing people come and go making connections with others along the way. I’m looking forward to the next meet and greet that is happing in just over a months time. I’ll also get to see one of my favourite people while I’m in that city.

Another thing that has been happening is I ended up moving back to my home town to be by family. Since I finished studying I have had trouble finding work and was needing somewhere cheaper to live while I continue looking. While I have qualifications and pieces of paper I don’t have the experience to go with it. Most places are looking for people with a few years experience and will also have hundreds of applications coming in for the one job. It has been frustrating and I have been extending my search across five cities and their surrounding towns as well as applying for any job at all possible.  I want to eventually end up back in the area I was living when I studied as I have more friends there and I miss being around them. It’s just being able to support myself fully.

My health improved over a year ago and has continued to stay the same since. I’ll occasionally get a few symptoms but nothing like it was when my M.E was at it’s worse and I hope it continues to stay like this. I’m unsure what will happen when I eventually start working full time but that will be something I’ll figure out when I get there.

I am just living each day as it comes and am unsure as to what I want to write here now. The original idea for my blog was how I lived with my health problems but now they aren’t as big of a part in my life as they were. I still like the idea of having it as a lifestyle blog but please give me any ideas on what you’d like to see. My life currently has involved alot of video game playing which probably isn’t too interesting to some.

I hope you are all doing well and I shall be around on Instagram and here a bit more often hopefully.

Love, Me