Dear future me on a good day.
I’m glad you are having a good day and I hope it lasts for a while. I know that we sometimes forget the lows we have. When we are having a good day it’s easy for us to want to get out of the house and do something. To maybe spend time with our friend or family or just go for a drive into the supermarket. There is something I want you to remember though. Please don’t push yourself too much on the good days. I’m here sitting in bed on what is my second day in bed. I have just got up to make a small snack and what seemed like a quick and easy task didn’t turn out quite how I had pictured it in my mind. It took 3 tries using different kitchen appliances to get what I wanted made. All while I felt like I could burst into tears at any moment. Our family is in the next room watching tv and I’ve hardly seen them in the last two days. I walk around the small kitchen and each step hurts. I contemplate forgetting about the snack but I’m already half way through making it and it will make enough to last for tomorrows snacks as well plus the third kitchen appliance is finally working.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring for us. I missed work this weekend due to not feeling well and my days have consisted of laying in bed watching youtube and a little reading. Today I have been able to talk to our friend quite a bit but that isn’t always possible. There will be times where we are laying in bed for hours just by ourselves.
I know that this isn’t even the worst that we can get, the pain I have could get a lot worse and the flu like symptoms could have lasted longer than they did. I am thankful that my queasy stomach and loud ringing ears haven’t come with this crash though. The ringing is still there but I’m not noticing it as much. I have to be careful not to touch or scratch my legs too hard because it hurts. The brain fog is still there and I cant remember what I was feeling on previous days. I’m feeling like there is no end to this, that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be ‘well’. My legs, back and hips are starting to hurt from sitting up in bed and I need to lay down again.
That is why I’m writing this letter to you, my future self on a good day. We won’t always remember exactly what the crash feels like or will we know what the next one will be like. We do have some slight fear of what could happen when we push ourselves too much. We still want to go out and have a life outside of our bedroom or house and our family always tells us we need to have a life too. So that can sometimes override what we are feeling. I want us to have a life and we need to do things but we also need to know when to stop, when to say yes that was nice but now I need to rest. Even if its before theres any sign of crash.
But even if we do rest there will be a crash. We will still have these lows and crashes that result from activities. It doesn’t matter how big or small they might be but the other thing we need to remember is that it will pass. This low that we are feeling will improve a bit and we will have a good day. It will be good compared to what we are feeling right now.
Please be kind to yourself and to the future low/ bad day me.
Love, The past me on a bad day