Broken and strength

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She held on tight as that’s all she had the strength to do, despite knowing that in the long run it would be better to let go. She couldn’t deal with the hurt and heartbreak that letting go would cause and kept holding on as much as she could even though it still hurt to even do that. There was always a small bit of hope in her heart that things would change and that what she always dreamed about would come true. It didn’t matter that deep down inside she knew it probably wouldn’t happen, she still held on to the hope. They didn’t realise any of this as she kept it close to her heart. Putting on a brave and supportive face when they needed a friend to rant to and acting like she was happy with how things were. Her attention was trying to be caught from others around and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t focus fully. Some days all she wanted was the constant conversation with people then other times it was all too much and she just wanted to escape and not have to worry about messaging people back. She felt like no one could replace this person and that there would always be a part in her heart reserved for them. The thought of loosing them forever terrified her and she never wanted that to happen. Was she in love? She really felt like she was and loving someone who didn’t love her back was slowly breaking her inside. She needed more strength.

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Something New

Recently I have been wanting to write more fiction and more of the creative writing side of things. My blog is a mixture of things I go through and interests I have so while this may be something completely different to the usual lifestyle updates I do I hope you will still enjoy it. I’m not quite sure what to call this, a short story maybe but then I feel like it’s a bit too short for that so I have decided to put it in the category Short Fiction. It will be where I add any other posts like this. The other night I felt inspired to write and this is what came out. I hope to improve over time.

*Buzz Buzz*
Jean looked over at her phone to see another text from her friend. She didn’t pick it up straight away but kept looking at the screen with a distant look. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” her cousin asked looking at her. “What? Oh yeah I will.” Jean said snapping out of her thoughts and looking up at her cousin. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to reply it was just that she knew what it was going to say and she knew it would make her feel even worse. She had tried to start a conversation hoping it would be different this time. She reached for her phone and opened the conversation from her friend Sally.

I’m just hanging out with some mates in town. Think we are going to the movies later. What about you? S

Cool sounds like fun. I’m not up to much just at home. J

Fun. S

Jean put down her phone and sat there wondering about their friendship. She would hardly get invited anywhere but her friend would always tell her what she was doing and the things she would get up to. Jean would try to leave hints that she thought it was fun what her friend would be getting up to but she still wasn’t invited. She didn’t want to seem like she was bothering Sally and would always feel sad about the friendship and wonder why she was always left out of things. It was true that she would get invited on the odd occasion but she would always feel like she didn’t quite fit in and that it wouldn’t make any difference if she had just stayed home. Jean wondered if this was what all friendships were like and if she should just accept what was happening and get on with it. She would always act like nothing was wrong when she was around Sally but then later feel sad about how things were. Maybe they were growing apart and becoming two totally different people that no longer fitted together. She still kept trying, hoping that it might change.

Jean had always had friend trouble. The last close friendship she had just suddenly stopped when her friend started ignoring her. In a sad way she felt kind of used to it. She would look around at people and wonder why she didn’t have close friends like they did. Jean always wondered what it would be like to have a best friend that was always there for her through the hard times and the good times. It was something that she hoped she would find as she grew older. She always had the hope that one day someone would stay in her life and wouldn’t just leave like the rest did.

Jean decided that she shouldn’t just sit around feeling sad and left out, so she decided to go for a walk to help clear her mind. A few blocks away was a small lake with lots of birds around so she decided to put in some headphones and walk there. She still thought about what was happening but tried to focus her attention on something else. Sometimes it would work and her thoughts would drift away from her friendships worries for a while. They always came rushing back at some point though and she would feel overwhelmed with loneliness. She desperately wanted to have someone she could talk to about how she was feeling but there was no one she felt like she could open up to so she kept it inside. Trying to forget about how she felt.

It wouldn’t make a difference even if she did have someone to talk to. That’s what she told herself anyway.